Write My Story

Let’s just pretend I haven’t been gone for the last couple of years, even though I updated my blog only a year ago. Right now, I just want to create a space for conversation. I want to use this tiny space, with my short outreach, to start a conversation. Topic?

Anything.

I want to hear about your life. I want you to tell me a story. I want you to say anything you want to say. I have some questions I will post on here and just hit me back with a reply if you feel like that’s something you want to do. Share with me what you will.

  1. If you could live in any time period, which one would you pick?
  2. What animal would be cutest if it was scaled down to the size of a cat?
  3. Who is your best friend? Why?
  4. What is a trait you do not like about yourself?
  5. What do you daydream about?

These are things that I think about a lot. I know who my best friend is, but I often think about why they are my best friend. I will now contribute my answers to those who wish to read them.

  1. I would live in the future. I thought about it a lot and the 1930’s or maybe the 1700’s would be interesting to be a part of, but I feel like my personality would not fit these time periods and I wouldn’t enjoy living in them as a result. The future is open to limitless possibilities. I would choose the future after the sun has expanded in hopes that humans have learned to get along with each other in a way we could spread across the universe and explore it without triggering intergalactic war. 
  2. I think a bear would be the cutest because they’re already so fuzzy and cute! This way they could stay babies forever!
  3. I have two best friends. Kathryn and Amber. Kathryn has been my best friend pretty much since I moved to Borger, TX. She’s my best friend because, despite my shortcomings, she loves me anyways. She doesn’t just do things out of loyalty to me. She is her own person and has her own goals in life. She is always there when I need her, but she also loves me enough to call me out on my shit. She’s the closest thing I’ll ever have to a sister, so I pretty much made her a part of my family. Amber, I met in college. I kind of just walked up to her on our first day of class and we’ve been friends ever since. It took me longer to think of a goodreason why she’s my best friend and then I realized, I don’t need ANY reason that satisfies anyone but me. She’s my best friend because I like her personality and who she is and how she lives her life. She’s my best friend because I can go to her for advice or tell her anything. I love both of them endlessly and I would hate to think of what life would be like if I didn’t have either one in my life.
  4. A trait I don’t like about myself…hmm, let’s explore this. I don’t like how indecisive I am. It actually causes a lot of frustrations for me. From picking a place to eat to deciding where to go and what to do, it’s like an endless nightmare sometimes. Not only does it infuriate others, it causes me immense discomfort. I am a walking contradiction. I don’t want other people to pick for me because I want to have things the way I want them, but then I am incapable of making a decision sometimes. Something that has helped me is Justin will flip a coin. He tells me it’s not about which side it lands on because when it’s in the air it really makes me think about what side I want it to land on. Works almost every time now. 
  5. I daydream about so much. What I want to be in life, what I could have done with my life, how did I end up here, what my life would be like if my mom hadn’t died, what it would be like to be famous or a billionaire, etc. I think of all of these things and realise that they aren’t things I truly want (unless becoming famous or a billionaire happened after I met Jay). Whenever I am unhappy with life or wondering if life really is greener on the other side, I remember that there are specific events that happened in my life that lead to me meeting my husband. He is the single most important thing that has ever happened to me. I firmly believe I wouldn’t even trade having my mom here because I never would have met Justin if she was here. That is an event, as horrible as it was, that helped trigger our permanent move to Borger, TX. That led me to my ex-husband. He led me to Weatherford, TX. That’s where I met Justin.

I sort of went off on a tangent on that last one. I have so many thoughts and I always felt like I needed a structure to bring them to you. I wanted to be funny or interesting. Maybe I just need to be me. Maybe I just need to write my story and the fact that it exists in the world will be enough.

-The Bean

2018 is Just Another Year, but We’ll Take It Anyways

Well, I’m sitting here and I really wanted to write. I have been inspired by several different things here and there over the past couple of weeks but I haven’t had any motivation to actually get up and write.

Things that have happened since my last update:

  1. I moved to Tulsa
  2. My best friend in the entire world moved in with me
  3. We had our first Thanksgiving in our new home cooking with my Pappy
  4. I quit my job

I want to only talk about the last point. It’s very important to understand that I was very unhappy with my job. It was not the jobs fault. It was a fine job. It was rewarding and I had amazing coworkers, for the most part. It was also stressful as hell and not the job for me. I had to drive over an hour to get there, an hour to get back, and pay a toll to and from work. It was getting too expensive just to go to and from work. I got to the point where I couldn’t honestly stand working there anymore. Everything added up and I had a long discussion about it with Jay. He has supported me tremendously since that day. He is honestly the most amazing man I have ever met. I will never love anyone as much as I love him. He is truly the love of my life.

I have been having immense difficulty finding a new job. It was very irresponsible quitting my job before I’d found a new one. My sweet Sugarbear has been so supportive of me finding a new job and he has such a positive outlook on everything. We have been having a lot of difficulties lately but he always knows we’ll get through it.

I would like to move on now. We bought Guitar Hero 2 and 3 and Rock Band 2 for my 360 and a rock band guitar. We also found a rock band mic at Jay’s parent’s house so we also got to sing! It has been such an amazing day and it’s all thanks to my Suggie. He’s the best thing in the world.

Anyways, I think I’ve gotten the writing bug out of me. I am ready to move on to my real life now. I am going to go back to watching Family Guy and putting up my new Dragon Ball Z poster.

The Bean

And the Cycle Repeats

So like the Earth circles the Sun, so too does my appencity of and continued arrival at an eventual distaste for what I do.

I seem to have found myself thinking more and more every day if I enjoy my job. I am left wondering if or what is wrong with me to question this considering the type of job I do. I have good days and bad days but lately the bad seem to be outweighing the good.

I enjoy my job, don’t get me wrong. I love seeing the look on my kids faces when they get to go down a waterslide or visit their parents or when they get excited to see me. I feel like some days I really do have a passion for child welfare.

Then I remember.

I remember my days in school when I would be an excited little band nerd. I would be the first to show up and I was eager to learn. In high school I strived to be the best and then I was. I remember having a passion for colorguard and performing. I remember in college how I “wound up” a music major and then wondered how I ever did anything else.  I remember the friends and connections I made. I remember a passion. My one and only truest passion. It carries me through my hardest days and guides me through my happiest. Music is what I want to do with my life and it is what I have held at bay because “I can do it later.”

In my mind I know this is the only way, but in my soul I know I need to pursue this sooner rather than later.

I am a ball of stressful guilt.

The Bean

New Home, Same Life

Dear friends,

This letter is to be read at the discretion of one’s self. In all aspects of the intention of this letter, I’d advise caution. I am writing to you all today because I forgot to inform you that I moved. I have a new life. I left you behind and I didn’t even have the wherewithal to tell you about it. I want to say:

I am sorry I didn’t tell you.

I am living the life here in good ol’ Shawnee, OK. I have my own apartment, bills, job, and life here. If I fail, it will be all by myself. It’s been exactly a month and one day since I moved here. My dad helped me move all my (big) stuff in and I’ve missed him ever since he walked out the door to leave. He’s my best friend after all. A week later, Jay took me to get my cats, which was the best thing he could have ever done for me, because I would be dead without them. As you all probably know, I hate being by myself for too long. I am a social person and I like social interaction. I am an extrovert for sure. I thrive off of social engagement.

So, the story is, I’ve been trying to move to Oklahoma since the day I left in March of 2015. I landed a sweet gig at the Department of Family and Protective Services being a CPS Investigator. Three months later I was a fully certified badass. There was only one problem. I HATED it. I mean, the job itself was fine, the stress was manageable, but the hours were NOT okay. I found myself working 8am-10pm almost 6 days a week for 2 months and I got to the point where I couldn’t do it anymore. I moved to an Admin position and stayed there for a year and a half. Fast forward to November 2016. I was applying to DHS jobs in, and around, Oklahoma City almost daily. I thought:

“I need to move to Oklahoma City because Jay already has a job lined up in Moore. I hate this place more than anything and I CANNOT wait until he graduates AND finds a place to move, which could be a while.”

I knew it’d only be a matter of time before I snapped and I was the person in a Dane Cook comedy sketch about killing their coworkers. I got a call in December for an interview with three different counties in one week! I was pumped. They wanted me. I wanted them. It was a mutual desire. The first interview went a bit like this:

Me: “Hello.” DHS: “Yes, I’m going to ask you a series of questions, and this will be awkward as hell because it’s over the phone and not in person. We will give you special treatment, but still will be unlikely to hire you due to it not being an in person interview.” Me: “Okie dokie, let’s go!”

As you can tell by my “okie dokie” comment, I was not hired. I had a second interview the next day, and, to cut to the chase, it was AWESOME. I interviewed with my current supervisor and she was amazing! It was easy and flowed really well. I had no problem answering the questions and being articulate. I thought “THIS IS THE JOB.” I have the final interview, and it went a bit like the the first interview. It was all of TEN CAT DAMN MINUTES. TEN. The first and the third jobs were both for CPS Investigations, so in retrospect, I’m pretty glad that didn’t work out. I work in the Permanency department for Child Welfare Services. I reunite families. I help families achieve goals that maybe they need help achieving. I know for a fact that I could NOT have made it to where I am now without support and resources from other people. Mainly, my dad and my friends. I must bid you a fond adieu. I have company and booze and I shan’t waste either.

-The Bean

When All You’ve Got Is Giving Up, Giving Up Won’t Do

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s quite short.

All my life I’ve been just like any other human on this planet. I’ve had things happen to me. All numbers of things. Some where out of my control, some where because of the decisions I’ve made, and some where just simply coincidental. Everyone has things that happen to them. It’s what you do with what happens to you that determines who you are.

I’ve had any number of people tell me that I am a strong person. I’ve even had people go so far as to tell me that they envy me because of how strong I am. I’m not sure I believe them, but I suppose it’s nice to hear from time to time.

I have, however, on the not-so-rare occasion, wanted to give up. I think everyone has been there before. I think we’ve all been at the point where we want to give up, but we aren’t quite ready to. Rest in paradise to the souls who have had the outrageous bravery to end the suffering they have endured. I have read many an argument that these people are selfish, but how can someone else judge them for such a thing? Each individual person in the world is different. We each experience and regard our trials differently, so there is not only one way to deal with our trials. There is not a wrong way. It is true that you are only transferring the suffering from yourself to another person (as in you are gone and not suffering but now a relative or partner is suffering), but it takes incredible bravery to make a decision like that when someone is in an impossible situation. I could argue this for ages (on both sides) but I seem to have gotten a bit off topic.

My original point was that I think, collectively, we can all understand what it’s like to want to give up. To have the thought that maybe giving up is easier than trying. To think that when you are gone, things will be easier for the world. To feel like it’s all you have left. I am here to tell you that when all you have is giving up, it just simply won’t due.

I must have told Jay about a million times that I just wanna give up. I’ve even gone so far as to say that I wanna die because it would be less painful and easier for me. Here’s the rest of my story:

I got the job I’ve been trying to get for almost 2 years on Friday, January 13, 2017. All because I’m too stubborn to give up. Even giving up in the sense of just not trying anymore (not in the wanting to die sense). Here’s a list of all the reasons I can never give up:

  1. I’m too scared to die.
  2. I can’t imagine what life would be like for the people I leave behind.
  3. I’m stubborn.
  4. I’m WAY TOO SCARED TO DIE.

I am extremely stubborn though. I mean, just ask literally anyone who knows anything about me. I just think that if I had quit trying to get a job in OKC I’d never have gotten the job I got. If I had given up harassing (the nice way of saying that I literally bothered the shit out of them) the agency and “reminding” them that I was interested, I never would have gotten this job.

I’m only 28 years young and already I have figured out that there are times when it is okay to give up, when it’s in the best interest to give up. When it is your dream, it’s never okay. Dreams are meant to come true. The only stipulation in how, is what you do about it.

-The Bean

We’ll Be In Touch With You In A Day or Two

In the day and age when we have communication so readily available to us, it seems almost an insult when that availability is forfeited and not used. When you are promised communication, it feels worse when that promise is broken. In the time when most people have a communication device in their hand or nearby, the fact that you are not worth a few minutes out of their day to use said communication can make someone feel like they are not enough. The argument that we are “too busy” to text someone or call them or do anything is a lie. People make time for who they want to make time for. I fall accused of this, just like everyone else.

That being said, does this apply to communications regarding a job interview? Can we hold them to the same standards?

“We’ll be in touch with you in a day or two.”

Is it too much to hold a company to this standard? I agree that they probably get pretty busy, but are your daily lives and things that cause you to be busy less significant than what makes them busy? You may have kids to take care of, chores, work of your own, and when you apply for a job, is it too much to ask for them to communicate with you?

I have had so many a time wasted days or weeks waiting to hear back from a job position who never talked to me again. I’ve wasted time on a job who told me I had the job and they were waiting on something as a formality only to not only not gotten chosen for the job but not even told about it. 

I simply write in this blog my opinions as I see them. I only argue that in a day when communication is so easy and quick to access, why we are still having a problem communicating. 

It is one of my greatest frustrations. I will leave it for now because I am far too upset to discuss further my opinion of corporations who lack in communication without it being a one sided didscussion.

-The Bean

Year 3

Today marks a very important date. Three years ago, on this very day, Jay and I met. I still remember it like it just happened, but I’ve written the story about a hundred times. I’m here to celebrate us today. We’ve made it through some tough times and some easy ones. Times when it was hard to speak to each other, and times when it was the best thing in the world, but it has always been easy to love him. He will, of coarse, say it’s never hard to love me, but I know sometimes it can be. I’m here to celebrate three incredible years of this amazing guy choosing me every day, sacrificing time with his friends and family, making special trips to see me, and loving me unconditionally. I’m here to celebrate his love for me.

Weird right?!

You would think I’d wanna celebrate our love for each other but his love is so unique and so special, it needs its own day. My love is bland and suffocating. It’s exciting and in your face and boring all at the same time. It’s what you would expect from anyone who says they love you, but his love is so much more. 

His love is the rare kind of love. The “anyone would be stupid not to fall in love with him” kind of love. His love could change the world, and here he is, giving it to me. I could say I feel special, but to get that kind of love, you are special. 

His love is the love you never forget, you never walk away from, and you will never get used to. It’s slow and refined. The moments are rare and more special. His love is delicate and warm. His love will never abandon you. His love is like a beautiful Texas sunset. Slow and magnanimous. His love creeps up on you and it’s unexpected. His love will hold you and bloom in to so much more than it already is. So here’s to three years with the best thing that’s ever walked in to my life, the man with the purdyest brown eyes I’ve ever seen. 😉😘

-The Bean